Friday, January 25, 2013

January + Northeast = Cold as F**k!

What I say:    Brrrrrrr…it’s so cold today!

What I Mean:

It’s cold. Really cold. So cold, in fact, that I counted 12 dashboard pictures on my newsfeed this morning. Funny thing is, its JANUARY. And we live in BOSTON. It’s supposed to be cold. It’s WINTER. If that kind of crap bugs you, move to FLORIDA! Then again, you’ll probably blow up my newsfeed with dashboard pictures of your thermometer reading 100 degrees. It seems there’s no escaping the dreaded dashboard picture! I got in my shit box car this morning (which is such a shit box that it doesn’t have a digital thermometer of which to take a picture), and the snow from the bottom of my shoes from the night before was still on the floor mat. Proof that it’s fucking cold, no? Oddly, the urge to take a picture with a witty tagline never crossed my mind. I guess I’m just not good at Fakebooking.

Talk of the “cold snap” is everywhere. It’s on the news, the radio, everyone is talking about it. People say things to each other like “stay warm,” “stay out of the cold,” “bundle up.” How about “shut the fuck up already about the damn cold. It’s fucking winter. It’s supposed to be cold!” Not to mention the fact that we live in New England, and although it’s 14 degrees, with a “feels like temperature”of -3 when the wind blows, next week temperatures are expected to be in the 50s. Get your bikinis ready, ladies with FUPAs!!!
In case anyone needs them, the Massachusetts Emergency Management Agency offered up some cold weather safety tips (this is not the complete list – I just picked a few).

·         Dress in several layers of loose-fitting, lightweight clothing, rather than a single layer of heavy clothing. Outer garments should be tightly woven and water repellent. Wear a hat, mittens and sturdy waterproof boots, protecting your extremities. Cover the mouth with a scarf to protect the lungs.
I think it takes me approximately 5.2 seconds to walk out to my car each morning. Regardless, I shuffle out to my car dressed like an eskimo complete with scarf, down jacket zipped up to my chin, and gloves. Boy, 45 starts my car for me every morning, so when I get into the shit box, it’s a toasty 80 degrees or so. Luckily, my commute to work is roughly 5 minutes (10 if I hit all the red lights, or get stuck behind Slow Sam). About 1.5 minutes into the ride, I’m sweating my ass off, ripping off the scarf and gloves and unzipping the jacket. I may even roll the window down to avoid SWASS. Of course, I have to get all bundled back up to walk into the building, which can take another 20 seconds or so, depending on where I am lucky enough to find a parking spot. So yeah, I hate the cold, but I can handle it for roughly 4 friggen minutes a day.

·        Excessive exposure can lead to frostbite, which is damaging to body tissue that is frozen. Frostbite causes a loss of feeling and a pale appearance in extremities, such as fingers, toes, ear lobes or the tip of the nose. If symptoms are detected, seek medical help immediately. Hypothermia can occur in extreme cases. The warning signs are uncontrollable shivering, memory loss, disorientation, incoherence, slurred speech, drowsiness and apparent exhaustion. If the person’s temperature drops below 95 degrees, seek immediate medical care.
If you are stupid enough to go hiking in zero degree weather, or spend the day outside doing whatever it is idiots do when the “feels like” temperature is -15, then in my opinion, you deserve frostbite. Here’s my advice. Stay inside. If you want to get some exercise, join a gym (assuming you aren’t a Fatty.) Wait a day or two, and when New England Mother Nature decides to fuck with all of us and bring back Spring in the middle of Winter with a 50 degree day, go for a jog or hike then. Don’t be a fucking idiot.

·        Have sufficient heating fuel, as well as emergency heating equipment in case of a power outage.
Here’s the thing. I heat my house with oil (unfortunately for me). That shit is expensive. Right now the cost per gallon is hovering around $3.60. I think my tank is about 300 gallons - it would cost me over $1000 to fill that bitch! So, I get the minimum of 100 gallons delivered and turn the thermostats down to 64 in the hopes that next month I’ll be able to swing a fill up! Girl, 13 pisses and moans about the fact that she’s cold, and she is told to put on a sweatshirt and grab a blanket. In April, when the temps reach 64 degrees, she will be whipping out the booty shorts and hoochie tanks! Not too cold for ya then, is it sweetie?

·        Food provides the body with energy for producing its own heat.
Permission to eat!!! A Fat Chick doesn’t have to be told twice! Save me a seat at the buffet...I’m trying to prevent hypothermia and frostbite, for crying out loud!

Oh, and this bugs the shit out of me too, for future reference:

So, what bugs you about the cold?


  1. What about Sister's Neighbor 34? I work outside. I'm not a dumbass, just...unskilled...

  2. You are right!!! If you have to work outside you are definitely not an idiot! My comment was directed at people who choose to spend time outside when it feels like it's below zero! Boy 45 also worked outside today....and the mortgage company will be glad he did!

  3. Love the post. It's all about perspective. I live in Alberta Canada, and our winter days range from -45 with the wind chill to +10. For here that's normal, and like you it really annoys me when people complain that it's cold in winter. IT's WINTER Duh! It's supposed to be cold.