The Secret Service Cellular User: Despite the laws against it, the constant newspaper articles, and the TV news coverage of the many accidents that happen while people are texting, it seems to continue unabated. I especially like the shitballs who hold the phone down low out of sight - as if they are pulling the wool over anyone's eyes. Hey, Shitball, do you always look down at your lap instead of at the road while you are driving? You are either texting or playing with yourself, neither of which is acceptable behavior on the roadway, you fucking moron! It's even harder to hide your secret mission when you are driving at night. Do you honestly believe that no one notices that strange glow emanating from your lap? I'm sure all the other drivers just assume you spend a lot of time fishing near the cooling water outlet of the nuclear power plant. Wake up you douche, you’re not fooling anyone with that shit.
The Creepy Crawler: This is the driver who slows down to a near standstill as they approach the turn they are about to take, especially when they neglect to use their directional. (Yes we say directional, not turn signal here in Boston). Now you have to guess what they are about to do. Are they stopping to let someone cross? Avoiding a road pizza? Turning Left? Turning Right? Can I pass them or will I get T-boned if I do? All of this could be solved by a simple little act of pushing the handy little directional lever up or down. Think you can handle that next time, Asswipe? 'Preciate it!
Slow Sally/Sam: These are the dicks doing 50 MPH in the left hand lane on the highway. You’re driving in a line of bumper to bumper traffic about 10 cars long, and at the front of the line is a 1982 Doge Aries K (loaded with bumper stickers - and you know my feelings on those). You're expecting to at least be behind a funeral procession - but no, it's the lady from "Where's the Beef?" I usually find myself in this situation when I'm late for work, and Slow Sam makes me even later! Speaking of Funeral Processions - is there anything more ignorant than cutting into or cutting off a funeral procession? It happens more than you think, and anyone who does this purposely should be shot, hung, then pissed on. Have a little respect, shitstick.
Massholes: Here in Massachusetts, we have our own breed of driver that we affectionately refer to as "Massholes." A Masshole is a driver who gets their skivvies in a twist when another car passes them on the highway. Other Masshole tendencies include drivers who are traveling in the lane you are trying to merge into, and instead of letting you in, they purposely speed up so you can’t get in. If you are a driver trying to pull out of a side street into the flow of traffic, a Masshole would speed up to a red light a mere 50 feet away, rather than show you any courtesy. Hurry up and wait, Masshole. When this happens to me, I give them the fuzzy eyeball and silently wish for a bird to shit all over their windshield. Numerous times. After it eats some blueberries. A lot of blueberries. Another "Hurry Up and Wait" example applies to several Massholes traveling in a line (sometimes, they may even find themselves behind Slow Sally/Sam). Imagine you are trying to take a right hand turn into bumper to bumper ass traffic. Not one Masshole will let you in, despite the fact that you have inched your way so far out into traffic, they have to actually go around you so they won't hit you. This really bugs me, but what bugs me even more is when Massholes are coming from both directions, and you are turning left. You're pretty much fucked in this situation. Your only option at this point is to close your eyes and gun it. Be the Masshole. If you can't beat 'em - join 'em! I'm pretty sure that's why the population of Massholes keeps increasing!
Masshole Mergers: Merging pretty much sucks, but there are times when you just have to do it. I don't understand why some people find this so fucking difficult. It’s one and one! Car in lane, merging vehicle, car in lane, merging vehicle, and the pattern continues. It’s not rocket science! Tip: If you are the Masshole who doesn’t want to merge correctly because you are late for your pedicure and that extra 10 feet that the merging car will take up is unacceptable to you, then the trick is to stare straight ahead at all costs. Do NOT make eye contact! If you do you’re fucked. Conversely, if you are the one who is getting screwed out of your rightful spot in the merge, then bore holes in the side of the offenders head with your eyes while they are following proper Masshole procedure and avoiding any eye contact whatsoever.
Lousy Lane Changers: This happens when someone travelling in the left hand lane decides they are getting off at an exit… as they are passing said exit. The driver cuts cuts across all lanes of traffic and takes the exit ramp with not a foot to spare, usually no directional, and with total disregard of who may be travelling behind or around them. I guess the idea of just getting off at the next exit, banging a U turn and jumping back on the highway is just too much work. It's easier for the Lousy Lane Changer to risk the lives of other drivers so he is not inconvenienced. Not sure, but I'm thinking going to jail for vehicular homicide might suck just a little bit more than being 5 minutes late for your back wax.
Needless to say, I'm not finding this "teaching my kid how to drive" shit enjoyable. No reflection on Girl, 16, just all the other buttnuggets with whom we are sharing the road!
These are just some examples of drivers who really bug the crap out of me. Do certain drivers bug you? And just for the record: