Friday, July 13, 2012

Day Twenty Five

What I say:  I'm so glad we have social networking to allow us to be a part of our "friends'" Vacations!  All the pictures make me feel like I'm right there with them!

What I mean:  Enough already, you narcissistic douche.  Updating your status 20 times a day and adding a photo of your current activity several times a day while you are on vacation is completely unnecessary, and I honestly hope you return from your trip to find that every window in your house is smashed and someone robbed you of all your possessions because you were stupid enough to broadcast the fact that you were away to all of Facebook.

I have unsubscribed to so many people lately because they are so friggen annoying!  If you are going on vacation, here's some friendly advice on how NOT to annoy the shit out of everyone on your friend list!

1.  A post or two a day is sufficient whether you are on vacation or not, but especially when you are on vacation!  A pic of the kids at the breakfast table, followed by the next tourist attraction you visit, followed by a pic of the kids at lunch, followed by a pic of the next tourist attraction, followed by a pic of the kids at dinner, then at the pool, then in their jammies in the hotel is COMPLETELY unfuckingnecessary.

How come no one posts pics of their kids misbehaving at the restaurant?

2.  Cut the shit with the Check-Ins.  If you are vacationing in California with your kids, it's a safe bet everyone will assume you are going to visit Disneyland.  No need to confirm it by Checking In.  If you are in Vegas, we will assume you will hit a casino or two.  If I cared about where you were every minute of every day, I would have gone on vacation with you. But then I would have seen your real vacation.  The one where the kids whine incessantly, everyone is overtired and sunburned and bitching at each other, one kid wants to swim and the other kid wants to go to the amusement park (I'm using Girl 15 and Girl 12 as a frame of reference here), husband wants to buy expensive souvenier, and wife doesn't want to spend the money (again, using Boy 45 as the example here)....not every minute of vacation is spent smiling for the camera, is it?  If you are having such a fabulous vacation, why the hell are you spending half of it on Facebook updating  your status, uploading your photos and commenting on them?  That's not really my idea of a good fucking time, but to each his own, I guess.  Go nuts!

I wish there was a button that said, "I Don't Give a Flying Fuck Where You Are!"

3.  Every post doesn't have to include the name(s) of the people with whom you are vacationing.  In case we missed that you were with your spouse and kids the first, second, third, eighth or fifteenth time, we saw it on the sixteenth post/pic.  If you were vacationing with your mistress/lover, I highly doubt you would document it on Facebook - so everyone can assume you are with your family.  Even worse is when the spouse like's the other spouses picture.  WTF?  Buttnuggets. 

4.  You eat breakfast when you are home, we know you are going to eat breakfast while you are on vacation.  No one wants to see your Vacation Omelet or your stack of Vacation Pancakes.  Same is true for lunch and dinner.  I don't care about your Vacation B.L.T. or your fucking Vacation Steak dinner.  The only picture I want to see is someone giving you the Heimlich Maneuver while you choke on your T-bone and your vacation gets cut short, sparing the rest of us from the torture of your Fakebook Vacation. 

Our vacation is so pissah we even have BREAKFAST! 
Eat that BITCHES!

5.  Here's something you can do.  Take plenty of pics.  It's vacation, after all!  Upload ONE each day, if you must (some habits are hard to break).  When you get home, look through your pics and choose a few that you want to share, and post them!  I'm talking four or five here, not thirty or forty!  I guarantee no one will be recommending that you make an appointment to be tested for narcissistic personality disorder!

If you watch Criminal Minds, they refer to the suspects (or unknown subjects) as "Unsubs."  I've decided that I'm going to refer to the people I have unsubscribed from updates on my newsfeed to "Fakebook Unsubs."    Off to do more unsubbing!


  1. Oh so true...I love your musings of Fakebook!

  2. A very big LIKE. This annoys the piss out of me. I have a Facebook friend who goes to Disney World about 5 times a year (sometimes without her kids) and posts pics on her way there, as well as throughout every day. Who cares? We've seen her and Goofy in pics before. (but enough about her husband) what I don't get is why someone wants to bother with Facebook while they're on vacation. Great post!

  3. Another spectacular post!! I agree 100% (though I am guilty of uploading 20 or 30 or 40 pictures to an album--I don't expect anyone to look through them all but I will lose them if I put them anywhere else LoL)!!

    I also have to say as a big Criminal Minds fan, I love the term "Fakebook Unsubs"!! That is great!!

    I have an award for you to pick up over on my page :) It will be found waiting for you underneath the Awards tab!! Keep up the wonderful posts!!

  4. I pissed my pants on this one - AWESOME!!!

  5. Friend on facebook posted 277 weekend camping photos...seriously? How much fun could have been going on with that camera in everyone's face. Worse part is when they ask..."Did you see my pictures? Oh, it was so much fun....we did....we did...." blah blah blah (tune out).

  6. Yeah! Get bent on your crappy vacation!