So I've already told you that bumper stickers bug the crap out of me. But lately, I've noticed a ton of vanity plates, and I'm pretty sure they bug me just as much, if not more, than bumper stickers. The name alone ("Vanity Plates") suggests that the person with such a plate is full of himself! Here's proof, straight from Merriam-Webster (and that bitch don't lie): van-i-ty: inflated pride in oneself or one's appearance. Here is my list of the types of vanity plates that bug me the most:
1. The Name Game
MELNIE. OK, so your name is Melanie. Why do you feel the need to put it on the license plate of your car? Not for nothing, but you spelled it wrong. What's that? "M-E-L-A-N-I-E" was already taken? So you'd rather have an incorrectly spelled version of your name be what people see as you come bombing down the street in your Chevy Corsica? I could see if maybe you were driving a Corvette, but seriously, a Corsica? What if Randy the Rapist is out on the town looking for his next target? You drive by all "Melnie-like" and BINGO! Now all Randy has to do is follow you to your destination, knowing you are a female (assuming Randy the Rapist is straight), and knowing you are alone before he makes you his next victim!
Even better is the douche who does this: MYSTANG. Yes. It is your Mustang. Except for the guy in the F-150 beside you who thought maybe it was your mother's car, everyone can now breathe a sigh of relief knowing that you are driving YOUR OWN MUSTANG. Thank you for clearing up the confusion. FYI: The galloping horse and the word MUSTANG plastered across the hood, the trunk, and both sides of the car kinda already tipped me off.
Other examples of the "Name Game" are: JOESCAR, MEGSLEX, ALSTRUK, MOMSVN...I could literally go on all day.
This is the type of plate where the owner feels the need to tell you, on their car, what they like to do in their spare time. It could be their hobby: ILVGOLF Good for you. I love walking my dog, going to the beach, and reading, but I'm not all up in your grill (no pun intended) telling you about it! Drive your damn car and go play some golf already!
HCKYMOM So your kid plays hockey. Thank GOD it says so on your license plate, because if it didn't, and I somehow missed the silver goalie outline decal on your bumper, the name "BILLY #4 Ice Devils" sticker on your back window, or the "Be Kind to Animals - Hug a Hockey Player" bumper sticker, I still would have been able to ascertain that your kid plays hockey. [Disclaimer: while I do not have a vanity plate, I am guilty of advertising my kids' sports on the back window of my car. But hey, at least I can laugh at myself!]
Other examples of "Downtime" are: RELAXXN (please don't relax while you are driving behind me, I'm not in the mood to have your vanity plate imprinted on the ass end of my car), FSHRMN, TNSLVR ....etc. Basically, I don't know you, I don't want to know you, and I don't give two shits how you spend your free time.
3. The Comedian
I saw this license plate on a Hummer: IMHUMMN Let me guess... DCHEBAG was taken?
GRRRR8 No offense, but there is nothing "great" about your 1998 Ford Festiva. I'm surprised they even made you register that roller skate!
IFARTED Really? Are you twelve?
These drive me nuts!
4. Dirty Little Secrets
IPMS247 Hopefully you are married or have a boyfriend/girlfriend, otherwise, you just ruined any shot in hell at getting yourself a man (or woman, if that's your preference)!
ISWALOW I'm sure your parents are proud. That explains the trail of souped-up pick up trucks following you.
IMTOPLS See ISWALOW above.
ILUVAG I'm speechless.
I should say that I do find some vanity plates acceptable...maybe on a company car, advertising the company. If you are a car enthusiast and you enter your car into car shows, then a vanity plate makes perfect sense. Other than that, I just don't get it. If you have a vanity plate, please do not be offended, learn to laugh at yourself - you mind as well join everyone else laughing at you!
Have you seen any funny vanity plates? Share them by adding your comment below!