Monday, July 30, 2012

Random Crap That Bugs Me: Vanity Plates

So I've already told you that bumper stickers bug the crap out of me.  But lately, I've noticed a ton of vanity plates, and I'm pretty sure they bug me just as much, if not more, than bumper stickers. The name alone ("Vanity Plates") suggests that the person with such a plate is full of himself!  Here's proof, straight from Merriam-Webster (and that bitch don't lie):  van-i-ty: inflated pride in oneself or one's appearance.  Here is my list of the types of vanity plates that bug me the most:   

1. The Name Game

MELNIE.    OK, so your name is Melanie.  Why do you feel the need to put it on the license plate of your car?  Not for nothing, but you spelled it wrong.  What's that?  "M-E-L-A-N-I-E" was already taken?  So you'd rather have an incorrectly spelled version of your name be what people see as you come bombing down the street in your Chevy Corsica?  I could see if maybe you were driving a Corvette, but seriously, a Corsica?  What if Randy the Rapist is out on the town looking for his next target?  You drive by all "Melnie-like" and BINGO!  Now all Randy has to do is follow you to your destination, knowing you are a female (assuming Randy the Rapist is straight), and knowing you are alone before he makes you his next victim! 

Even better is the douche who does this: MYSTANG.  Yes.  It is your Mustang.  Except for the guy in the F-150 beside you who thought maybe it was your mother's car, everyone can now breathe a sigh of relief knowing that you are driving YOUR OWN MUSTANG.  Thank you for clearing up the confusion.  FYI:  The galloping horse and the word MUSTANG plastered across the hood, the trunk, and both sides of the car kinda already tipped me off. 

Other examples of the "Name Game" are:  JOESCAR, MEGSLEX, ALSTRUK, MOMSVN...I could literally go on all day.   

2.  Downtime

This is the type of plate where the owner feels the need to tell you, on their car, what they like to do in their spare time.  It could be their hobby:  ILVGOLF Good for you. I love walking my dog, going to the beach, and reading, but I'm not all up in your grill (no pun intended) telling  you about it!  Drive your damn car and go play some golf already!

HCKYMOM  So your kid plays hockey.  Thank GOD it says so on your license plate, because if it didn't, and I somehow missed the silver goalie outline decal on your bumper, the name "BILLY #4 Ice Devils" sticker on your back window, or the "Be Kind to Animals - Hug a Hockey Player" bumper sticker, I still would have been able to ascertain that your kid plays hockey.  [Disclaimer:  while I do not have a vanity plate, I am guilty of advertising my kids' sports on the back window of my car.  But hey, at least I can laugh at myself!]

Other examples of "Downtime" are:  RELAXXN (please don't relax while you are driving behind me, I'm not in the mood to have your vanity plate imprinted on the ass end of my car), FSHRMN, TNSLVR ....etc.  Basically,  I don't know you, I don't want to know you, and I don't give two shits how you spend your free time. 

3.  The Comedian

I saw this license plate on a Hummer: IMHUMMN Let me guess...  DCHEBAG was taken? 

GRRRR8 No offense, but there is nothing "great" about your 1998 Ford Festiva.  I'm surprised they even made you register that roller skate!

IFARTED  Really?  Are you twelve?

These drive me nuts! 

4.  Dirty Little Secrets

IPMS247 Hopefully you are married or have a boyfriend/girlfriend, otherwise, you just ruined any shot in hell at getting yourself a man (or woman, if that's your preference)!

ISWALOW I'm sure your parents are proud.  That explains the trail of souped-up pick up trucks following you. 


ILUVAG  I'm speechless.

I should say that I do find some vanity plates acceptable...maybe on a company car, advertising the company.  If you are a car enthusiast and you enter your car into car shows, then a vanity plate makes perfect sense.  Other than that, I just don't get it.  If you have a vanity plate, please do not be offended, learn to laugh at yourself - you mind as well join everyone else laughing at you!

Have you seen any funny vanity plates?  Share them by adding your comment below!


  1. Great post and yesterday while we were in a line of traffic waiting to pass by a crash in one lane as we passed by and saw a mini van in the guard rail the tag read I or 1 SK8TN I said to hubby- well that's probably what happened there. But I wonder what the cops said about their tag? :)

    1. ISK8TN? Is that I love skating? I am skating? I skate in Tennessee? See, that's just dumb! It's bad enough you have a vanity plate, but no one can tell what the hell you are trying to say! Love it!

  2. I never really understood vanity plates. Why do you need to design your own license plate? Do we really need to personalize EVERYTHING??

    Last year I saw this beauty: IGODWN. It was driven by an overweight, middle aged guy who really belonged on a most wanted rapist poster. Ew.

    1. Again, I'm perplexed by this one. Is he trying to say "I am Goodwin," "I, God, Won," or something totally different? If ever I was behind one of these two examples, I would be so distracted trying to figure out what the fuck the idiots are trying to say!

  3. I haven't seen any as funny as these. My favorite? "DCHBAG was taken?" LOL
    I'm giving you the Rockin' Blogging award Cheryl. Come by and pick it up when you get a chance!

  4. Yes, I too am bothered by the vanity plates....just as much as those damn decals. Especially the ones that say "Corn Fed Diesel" Really? You fed your diesel corn?

    I really love it when its plastered all over a Stratus which is clearly not a vehicle that runs on diesel.

  5. I'm not a big fan of vanity plates but now that you mentioned it above I wouldn't mind having the IFRTED one....just saying.

    By the way, swing by my blog and pick up your Rocking' blogger award.

  6. I am bothered by many things, and yes, vanity plates happens to one of them. They irk the crap out of me and sometimes make me wish I could punch the driver in the face..Sorry for being such a cranky bitch, but it's one of those days..

    Have a great weekend!

  7. I have a friend whose family lives in NH who tells me it's very inexpensive to have vanity plates in the live free or die state. In fact, she says, if you don't have vanity plates you are pretty much considered uber cheap and no one will have anything to do with you.
    It's like vanity plate peer pressure.