Sunday, July 29, 2012

Random Crap That Bugs Me: An Open Letter to Kourtney Kardashian

Dear Kourtney:

First of all, congratulations on the birth of your daughter, Penelope!  I'm sure she is a beautiful baby and I wish you all the luck in the world!  I've read a few magazine articles this weekend, and it seems as though you could really use some advice.  I'm sure the Kardashian Klan chimes in with their $.02, but I'm going to offer you my views on your situation from a totally different perspective.  I'm clearly not a celebrity, I live on the East Coast, I'm what you would consider pretty much broke, and I live in a house that is probably smaller than your master bath.  We are about as opposite as opposite can be in many regards.  What we have in common, however, is the fact that we are both mothers.  It's for that reason, and the fact that you have your own reality television show, that I feel like I know you well enough to know what you are going through.  I hope you don't mind.

What I find most troubling about your situation is that you are having panic attacks at 3 a.m., worrying about the fact that it is taking you longer this time around to lose the baby weight, and that you really want to be back in a bikini.   You gave birth 21 days ago.  Three weeks.  Less than one month.  It took you 9 months to gain the baby weight - three weeks is not a very long time at all to snap back to your pre-baby weight.  Hell, my "baby" is turning 13 next month, and I'm still a heffer!  Truth be told, I'm actually heavier now than I was when she was born, but I'm as happy as a pig in shit!  Ok, maybe I'm not helping.  My point is, odds are you will fit into a bikini again. Give yourself some time for crying out loud!  A bikini is small potatoes, kiddo.  You have many more important things about which to fret!  (I mean no disrespect, but if I just named my kid Penelope, I'd probably lose some sleep too.  Just sayin'. Major props for not going with a "K" name though.)  I read that you feel "unsexy."  You just popped a watermelon out of your vagina.  It really doesn't get more "unsexy" than that.

Also mentioned in the article is the fact that Scott has been jetting off to party in Miami until 4 a.m. with models and his posse, while you are holed up in your mansion, wallowing in self pity (all things considered, a mansion is not a bad place in which to be holed up).  I, too, suffered from post-partum depression.  That shit is not fun.  Get yourself some meds so you are thinking straight enough to make the decisions you need to make.  You will feel better, and your kids will thank you someday.  With a clear mind, you will realize that you and your kids deserve much better than Pretty Boy Scott.  He is obviously self-centered and I couldn't see him taking a bullet for you or the kids.  The thought that he may get blood on his loafers is probably too much for him to bear.  He's an assfuck, and he needs to go.  All truth. 

This is my cigar-smoking ensemble.  Not my baby feeding outfit. Duh.

According to what I read, you have to get up and do the 3 a.m. feedings by yourself, and you have to keep Mason occupied all day.  It's fucking tiring - I know that from my own experience in having two kids.  Going from 0 kids to 1 kid is hard.  Going  from 1 kid to 2 is way harder.  You need help...Do you really not have a live-in nanny?  Your family helps you - which is great!  You are never alone, regardless of how alone you feel...your family always has your back.  How long are you going to wait until Assfuck steps up to the plate?  He should be bonding with his baby girl.  He should be spending quality time with Mason, who's world has been turned upside fucking down by Penelope's arrival.  You've given him how many second chances?  You guys make beautiful babies together, I'll give you that, but honestly, what else does he contribute?  He acts like a douchebag on the show and out in public, you don't need his money (actually I think he probably needs yours more), he only cares about himself, and you guys aren't married and you don't even sleep in the same bed!!!  The fuck?  You have two children togther and he STILL hasn't put a ring on it.  C'mon, Kourt!  You're smarter than that!

Basically, what I'm telling you is that you have yourself a no-brainer here.  If I was in your situation, the major reason I might try to work shit out would be money.  We don't have enough married, so I know it would be tougher if we were divorced.  You are lucky in that regard.  Money is not an issue.  Your kids deserve a father, but it seems to me he would actually see them more if you were officially apart, and he had set days and times on which to visit with them!

The article mentioned that you didn't take a maternity leave and that you have been working on the new DASH LA store.  Kim's off in Miami with Kanye.  Khloe is "reconnecting" with Lamar in Vegas.  YOU HAD A FRIGGEN BABY! Surely squeezing a basketball out of a pea-sized hole trumps going on tour with the boyfriend or chilling out with the husband!!!  Where are those supportive sisters of yours?  It's a FAMILY BUSINESS!  Let someone else in the FAMILY take over while you recuperate for a friggen month!  You must have an assistant, hell you must have a whole staff of assistants!  There is NO ONE else who can deal with the new store for a few weeks?  For fuck's sake, I have 2 weeks vacation - if you need a hand, let me know - I'd be glad to help! 

Funny Breakup Ecard: Thank you for donating your sperm. Your usefulness has expired and I won't be needing you anymore!
Thought this may be a good way to break the ice with Assfuck!

(a/k/a The "ME" In Crap that Bugs Me!)


  1. Sheesh, if that assfuck (hahaha!) husband of hers is out rubbing elbows and whatever else with models, no wonder this chick is in such a hurry to get back in a bikini. What a world they live in. A bunch of out of touch, over privileged douchebags. Funny post!

  2. Terrific post as usual Cheryl!! Definitely funny. I totally agree with you on all points and I am surprised Kourtney puts up with that crap :/ Or any woman for that matter.......

  3. It does crack me up the "pains" celebrities claim to go through, you know that there is a live in nanny, she probably milks KK and then feeds the kid.